question:
no wrong answers… just looking for what you think.
of the following, what is the highest calling (or priority) of the christian?
meaningful worship of our Creator
living a righteous life
acts of service within and without the body of believers
telling God’s story to those who don’t know it
will i ever be whole again?
will i ever find the bottom of this pit inside me – this whole that is never filled?
it seems that no matter what i do or how i try i can never seem to escape its emptiness. it refuses to be filled, it cannot be covered, it will not be hidden or ignored.
just when i feel that life is settling back into a grove of normalcy (whatever that means) the smallest and most insignificant moment or smell or sight or sound sends me reeling. the carpet is yanked out from under my feet – and not only the carpet, but the floor and the foundation, even the ground itself is gone and i am plummeting.
and it is happening more frequently with time, not less.
it is crippling
it is joy killing
it is life sucking
it is confusing
it is depressing
it is unfair
it is ugly
yet it is part of my life
i am never without this void. as if it had a life and will of its own it stalks me – it haunts me. life feels like a night terror – a horror of horrors played out in restless sleep… only, i am awake.
it is as if every song i sing only reminds me that i am empty
as if every picture i see reminds me that i am without
as if every old friend i talk to reminds me of my loss
every sermon i hear, a failed attempt to comfort
every day i live and every night i lay me head on my pillow…
and i am left wondering, will i ever be whole again?
this past sunday a few of us took a group of 5th and 6th grade students to hike pinnacle mountain. it was quite a fun group of students, and i really enjoyed the time we were able to spend together driving out to the park, hiking around to the back side of the mountain, climbing, hanging out at the summit, and descending back to the cars again for the drive back to the building.
the weather was perfect for our adventure. the sun was out, it was warm, and the heat of the summer sun was nothing more than a memory on this late september day. there were more than a few mosquitoes hunting for a meal as we hiked the skirt of the mountain. for much of the summer this area was wet due to the unprecedented rain we received this year, and the mosquito population had adjusted appropriately.
we were a little later than planned getting back to the parking lot after the climb, so we would forgo the traditional mcdonalds run on our way back to the church building. instead we would arrive just in time to catch a breath and find a seat (preferably one with some distance between our group and those who had not been sweating all afternoon). i texted my wife as we headed back toward the building and asked her to grab me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that i could change into. i have to at least keep an appearance of professionalism at the workplace. (i think both of you who read my blog surely know, but for those who may stumble into reading this blog unaware: i am employed as a full-time youth minister.)
so my wife made it to the building with my change of clothes, and we both darted into my office so that i would do one of those clark kent / superman phone booth changes. after the quick-change i headed down the hall for a sip from the drinking fountain. i crossed through the front of the foyer and caught the eye of two students from our high school program. tyler asked me where our devo would be that night. then bradley looked at my shirt and said one word, “wannabe.”
I looked back at him a little confused, and I guess he could tell because he explained – kind of. “did you play baseball for harding?” he asked with an obvious expectation of my “no.” at which point he pointed out that i was wearing a bisons baseball t-shirt. i explained that being a fan doesn’t make one a wannabe. nor does receiving and wearing a free t-shirt.
but it got me to thinking…
and that lead to the change of topic for the devo that night as well.
when bradley accused me of being a wannabe i was immediately defensively. i’m not a wannabe. i done wanna be a wannabe. i know who i am and i know where i am headed with life and i know that i don’t like being thought of as or called a wannabe.
i have that shirt because i like the school it represents. i like the way the shirt looks. i put on that shirt because my wife brought it to me.
but there is something else i have put on. there is something else that i wear.
consider the following verses:
romans 13:11-14besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. for salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. the night is far gone; the day is at hand. so then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.
galatians 3:23-27now before faith came, we were held captive under the law, imprisoned until the coming faith would be revealed. so then, the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. but now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. for as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.
colossians 3:12-17put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. and be thankful. let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
the first two passages tell us (within their separate contexts) that we should put on Christ, and in fact that those of us who are Christians [that is, those of us who have been baptized] have put on Christ. the third passage explains what that looks like.
i got to thinking…
i looked at my shirt.
i imagined myself wearing Christ.
if my shirt instead of plastered with a collegiate mascot and ball team were plastered with Christ, what would that mean? how would that change the way people see me. how would it change the way i looked at other people looking at me.
but why should that change anything?
why should it change anything if i were wearing a Christ-shirt?
shouldn’t that be obvious? shouldn’t it be undeniable? shouldn’t it be glaring to everyone who sees me that i have put on Christ?
yet, all too often even the people who see me every day don’t see Christ in me. they see something else. and that something changes. and that something isn’t always a bad something. but anything that gets in the way of others seeing Christ in me is something i need to re-place.
after all, i want people to notice.
i want people to see that i have put on Christ. no, that’s not enough. i want people to see Christ and not me.
i wanna be more and more like Christ.
i never wanna settle for anything less.
i wanna see people like Christ sees them – beautiful, and broken, and longing to be made whole again.
i wanna minister like Christ ministered.
i wanna touch people’s lives with pure motives.
i wanna be like Christ.
i am wannabe.
and i am ok with that.
in fact, i am great with that.
i am a wannabe.
11 Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. 12 The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. 14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.Romans 13:11-14 (ESV)
it amazes me what beauty is found in simplicity.
my wife and i have 2 dogs.
trouble is our 3 year old weimaraner… actually he is closer to 4 now than 3. he is a very good boy and he listens to me. he minds me to the point now where i can ask him to do just about anything and he will obey. his favorite thing to do? fetch his green ball. life is simple for trouble. i like that.
stinker is our 7 month old chocolate lab – weimaraner mix. he is not a bad boy, he is just very much still a puppy. he loves people. something about us just makes him go crazy. he has been learning not to jump on us, and he is doing a good job of restraining himself. he also loves to lick people – don’t ask me why. and it doesn’t even have to be skin. he will lick our pants, he will lick our hair, he will lick my gloves, pretty much anything that is connected to us… but he prefers skin. sounds kinda weird, i know.
but there is a distinct difference in their maturity and their understanding of what i am asking and expecting of them. take for instance staying in the back yard. trouble understands that his place is in the back yard except when i invite him out of it… for a walk, for a bath, to go to the vet, to work in the front yard. he understands where i expect him to be. i can even leave the gate open while i am going back and forth between the front and back yard, and unless he is invited out of the back yard he will not come through the gate.
stinker is… less understanding. he loves to be out of the back yard. if the gate is cracked he tries to run through it. if the back door comes open, he wants to come into the house (a place he is never allowed to be). somewhere along the way he even learned that he can take things into his own hands (paws would be more appropriate i guess) and let himself out of the back yard by digging under the fence. he has become very adept at performing this feat. i have tried everything to keep him from getting out. i have filled the holes back in. i have punished him. i have filled the holes with gravel. i have filled them and then put his feces on the top of them to keep him from digging there again. i have whooped him (non abusive correction, just like the kind my children will receive one day). i have stretched an electric fence along the bottom of the fence. currently i am laying pavers over the places where he has dug. for now that seems to work.
you see, there is a big difference in their understanding of what i am asking of them. trouble doesn’t even try to get out of the back yard because he understands that i have asked him not to. stinker for some reason just has to cross the line. and it’s not because he wants to run free. when he gets out he doesn’t run off. he just sits there and barks at trouble to try and get him to join him in his emancipation. he isn’t digging out in order to go anywhere, rather he is digging to simply be out of the yard.
i think i have been going at this all wrong with him. i have been looking at the rule, “stay in the back yard” and have been setting up boundaries to keep him in. the fence didn’t work so i filled the holes with gravel. the gravel didn’t work so i put up a charged wire. the electric wire didn’t work so i am laying down pavers. it is like i believe that if i can keep him far enough from the fence he wont be able to get under it – create enough obstacles and he will give up trying to get out of the yard.
the trouble with that is that it doesn’t work on a level that will change his mind. i can pour concrete over the whole back yard and boarder the yard with block walls to keep him in, but he will still long to be on the other side of the wall. what i need to do is change his mind. i need to help him to understand what i am asking of him and help him to value that expectation.
i wonder why it took me until now to realize why my effort were not working.
i wonder why it was only today that i saw the parallel of stinkers behavior in us.
===== the parallel =====
so often we see what God has asked of us and we try to set up walls or hedges to keep us from crossing the line. it is a healthy practice in training us not to cross the lines i guess, but if we are not careful they become crutches that actually weaken our motivations and thwart our maturing in faith.
we become fixed on removing ourselves far from the line so that we won’t cross it, but in our hears we are living just on the other side of the fence. all to often we find that we have actually managed to crawl over or under the hedges and walls and are caught on the wrong side of the promises.
you see, at the end of the day the truth is that until we fix our heart and mind the walls will never work to keep us from sin. without transformation, the list of self imposed barriers and rules are futile. until we learn to listen for the voice of God and the truth of his requests and expectations, the modification of our behavior is vanity.
God emancipate us from vanity! teach us to love you. teach us to long for you. teach us to listen and hear your voice. amen.
who am i?
one of those cliche yet oh so profound questions that we all end up asking ourselves.
it is the subject of deep philosophical ponderings, enduring gifts of literature, epic character stretching solos, and angst filled blogs…
it is a question that we explore and try to answer for ourselves, and it is a question that we scramble to answer when others begin to probe beneath the surface of our life.
almost 4 years ago i decided that i needed to answer that question in a more public way than most of us do. i felt that i needed to say it out loud. i felt like i needed to put it out there where those who would bother to care would be able to see just what i really am all about – who, after everything else is stripped away, i am. what is the essence of my existence?
here is what i came up with then: (those of you who have followed me here from myspace may have already read this, sorry)
Aight, here it is. You want to know a little about me? I’ll give you a little to chew on. I belong to God. Everything I am and everything I do has to fit in to that. Am I perfect? Heck no! Will I ever be… not in this world. So, why even try? Because I believe in things like forgiveness, compassion, mercy, grace, eternity, and the love of a God who would rather send His son to pay for my sin than see me lost forever. And now He lets me chose every day if I want to follow Him or not. And I try to.
I grew up in a large family and we had plenty of problems to work through and it wasn’t always easy – it almost never was easy. You think it’s hard to live for Christ here, today? It is. But it was hard in the early 90s in Newark, AR too. Try living in a town of 800 people, going to school with 400 students K-12, and live like you belong to God. That will make you feel alone fast. I know what it is like to have friends who drink, smoke pot, have sex with anyone they happen to be desperately in love with this month. I know what it is like to have them ask me to the parties and to the friend’s house and have to say, “no” because I knew what would be going on. It is not fun. I know what it’s like to have to make the right decisions even when all I wanted to do is have fun and belong.
But I also know what it is like to look back over periods of my life and see that God was with me. I look back at struggles and see the times when I failed, but also the times when I didn’t have the strength to stand so God held me up. He is faithful. He is true. I know what it is like to have friends who also say no when they are invited to listen to the jokes, go out for drinks, or take a hit. I know what it is like to stand at my wedding, pledge my love for my wife, and know that we had both waited until that day to experience the joy of sex. I also know how good it feels to really open up the deep parts of my heart and worship God. I know what it is like to pray to my creator and know that he cares- to know that when I weep He weeps, and that when I have a day that I just can’t stop smiling He smiles too.
That is who I am. That is why I do what I do. Because God loved me before I even cared. Because even when I made big mistakes, He loved me. Because even when I ignored Him, He loved me. Because God loves you – even if you don’t care. Because God loves you – even when you mess up. Because God loves you, and I want to help you to know that love. That is why I do what I do. That is who I am.
…and even today that is still very much who i am.
…somewhat of a followup from my last blog
i think that for some of us daniel’s prayer in chapter 9 sounds strangely familiar. for some of us the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and ruin have become part of our most intimate self. be it circumstances beyond our control or the fall out from decisions we have made, the result of sin touches our lives in a very profound way. it is so easy to raise our eyes and see all around us nothing but desolation – complete and insurmountable destruction…
we see broken relationships
we see failed attempts
we see broken promises
we see dishonesty
hypocrisy
envy
hatred
spite
emptiness
we see death
we feel death deep inside. we feel the reality of our own unholiness gnawing away at our soul deep within. we know that we are unworthy. we know that we are fallen. we know that we are broken and that there is nothing we can do to fix it. we know that there is nothing we can do to stand up again on our own. we know that there is nothing we can do to cleanse ourselves – even if we could we couldn’t stay clean.
we are weak, and we know it.
but daniel remembered something. he had in his mind something that changed the picture – something that challenged the reality of our deserved nothingness. he saw the history of a God who created… of a God who loves. he remembered a God who throughout all time again and again and again reaches down and restores his creation.
it started in the garden at the fall and the story continues through the flood, the tower, slavery, conquest and inhabitation. time and time again – every time God hears his children cry out he hears and he acts. and daniel knew that. daniel knew that God was a God of mercy. daniel simply asked to be part of God’s unfolding story. daniel longed to be part of God’s epic tale of love.
i do too.
recently i had an invitation to teach a breakout class at a youth rally. in my line of work that is nothing uncommon. in fact, last year i was invited to teach at the same rally. when given this type of opportunity i try and share something with the students that is on some way unexpected – even, dare i say, profound. i want to give them something to go home and chew on for a couple of days. i guess my goal is ultimately to present something that will change their thinking in a way that their life is changed in a palpable way. i really enjoy the challenge.
so the year i was working within the theme, “open your eyes.” i began thinking about the typical topics that would go along with that theme: open your eyes to temptation, open your eyes to opportunities, open your eyes to the hope that we have… the list goes on. and the stories that come to mind, nathan and david, elisha and his servant, moses and pharaoh, stories of the prophets, peter and Jesus, paul and Jesus, Jesus and the blind man… again, the list goes on.
but i really wanted something different. i wanted to find something less expected. i wanted something fresh – something that they would remember. so i began searching scriptures and i ran across a prayer that the prophet daniel offered up to God. the heart of the prayer: “o my God, incline your ear and hear. open your eyes and see our desolation… we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness but because of your great mercy. o Lord, hear; o Lord, forgive.”
wow.
when i read that i knew i had my text. it was exactly what i was looking for – something unexpected to be sure.
it turned the whole theme upside down. it switched the tables. no longer was it a challenge for us to open our eyes to the reality and work of God, but our plea for God to open his eyes to our pain and struggles.
i sure don’t have room here to recount the lesson as it unfolded, but that is ok. i think that for the purposes of this blog i will leave it here. i will leave it with the realization that we can call out to God and ask him to see and hear our cries.
what’s more? he has promised to hear and answer. and the entire bible is a record of him doing just that for his people… from egyptian slavery, to the period of the judges, to the time of the prophets, the incarnation of the Savior, the lives of the apostles, even to our lives today.
“o my God, incline your ear and hear. open your eyes and see our desolation… we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness but because of your great mercy. o Lord, hear; o Lord, forgive.”
i had a good friend encourage me yesterday.
he is a friend who has, as far as anyone can, walked with me through the struggle and difficulty of these past few months. a constant in the stream of life and ministry. always understanding my need for space or an ear, always understanding that though it may rest just below the surface the pain is still very real and is not going to “get better.” he has grown to understand that in a very real way part of who i am and who i will be includes loss. he also understands that that is not a bad thing, and that it need not often be sorrowful.
but he has been watching. he has been listening. and last evening he said to me, “i think you’ve gotten your stride back…” or something like that. i can’t remember the exact phrase, but he told me in his own way that now, nearly 9 months into this process i am finally returning to my old self – if there were such a thing. i am able now to communicate with the same tone and passion. i am now able to fully interact with the people around me without guarding my wound.
it marks one step in this process we call grief, which i have come to understand is actually one part of the many which become our continuing reality – life.
wow. so it had been a while since i wrote a post. sorry for that.
last night i was in the middle of a messaging conversation that meant alot to me when a new window popped up – bloop. it was a very unexpected bloop and the conversation that followed was pretty amazing.
you see, there are times in life when you feel like you are spinning your wheels. there are times when you give and give and give, and then for one reason or another the whole situation changes. then you are left wondering. you are left with the unknown and with unending thoughts of “what if” or “”if only.”
but the voice that spoke from the past through my laptop monitor last night was very powerful and in then end likely one of the most affirming moments of my adult life. let me pull back the curtain a little and give you a peak…
for the sake of this blog we will call him brandon.
1:14am brandon
the way i see it, wide is the gate that leads to hell, but narrow is the road that leads to righteousness
time to take the narrow rode
i have been on the other for a while
1:15am alex
sounds like you are making good choices to me
that makes an old youth minister’s heart feel young again.
like i made a difference
1:16am brandon
you are a great a man as anyone could ever be to me because you saw hope when others didn’t
and that’s how you measure a man in my eyes
1:18am alex
it means something when you believe in someone. you give a piece of your self and pour it into them. when you see them making good choices, and when you see them succeed, it makes your life’s work worth while.
1:18am brandon
i respect that
1:18am alex
you are why I am in ministry.
1:19am brandon
and youuuu are why i am succeeding in life
1:19am alex
see, it is a circle. and God is all around it.
1:33am brandon
well alex, im off to sleep, i want you to try as hard as you can to reach out to every kid, especially the ones who have people turning their backs on them, and let them know that God cares even when no one else does, please tell sandy that i miss her about half as much as i miss you but that is a great deal more than she thinks haha, i miss you a lot and you are part of my family no matter how far away you live, feel free to call text or message me anytime any day, i love you a lot and i hope your youth group flourishes with gifts from god, stay safe and anytime you need a friend i will be here as you were here for me.
yes, it has been a long road with brandon. it has at times felt like failure. it has been a lonely road at times. but in the end… every moment and every last bit of energy has been so worth it. why? because he is one more child of God who is walking toward the cross, and God used me to help direct those feet.
i am blessed.
this is why i do what i do.
there are many many more brandons out there.
and when the voice of God speaks “whom shall we send? who will go for us?” my answer is “here am i. send me.”
oh God, send me.
