when i came back into the office from lunch today i noticed that i had a text message on my cell phone.
“call me a gossip but i had to tell you that [he] got picked up for meth”
he being my late sister’s husband…
he being the one who abused her like no man should ever be able to abuse any woman – much less his wife…
he being the reason she left the shelter of family…
he being the reason she gave up everything she had ever owned in this world – her clothes, her children’s toys, her baby album and childhood photos, her children’s baby albums and photos, her furniture, her occupation, her education, her jewelry, … everything but the clothes on her back and what would now fit in a very small suitcase. [i pack more stuff for a weekend trip that she had left in the end]…
he that became the reason that she is no longer with us…
he that is the reason i have to go to a cemetery to visit her – although i know it is no longer her that i visit, but the place where her body rests.
how do you deal with that kind of news?
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now he is in jail. picked up on unrelated charges.
i had forgiven him. no, i have forgiven him. but there is so much that i want to ask – so much i want to know.
i wonder what he knew and when.
i wonder how far and how hard he pushed her toward her end.
i wonder what he felt when she didn’t come back.
i wonder what he felt at the funeral… standing inches from her coffin… seeing the faces of her precious children… seeing the weeping of her parents… seeing the endless pain and suffering that he is so responsible for.
i wonder what he thinks now.
i wonder if he is torn with regret and shame and guilt. i wonder if he would take it back. i wonder if he was brought to this low point because of the haunting last images of her face. i wonder if it even matters to him.
i wonder if he loves her now.
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i feel the need inside me to go and to sit in the cold room with his face on the other side of the bulletproof glass, holding the other end of the phone. i feel the need to sit there and let him know that with or without those answers, i forgive him. i feel the compulsion to try with everything i can to let him know that he is loved by the same God that i am and that jennye is. i feel the need to try – just to try and reach out to him.
