wait

a friend and i sit in taco bell from time to time

it’s kind of our spot

he’ll call me or message me on facebook and we’ll end up at taco bell, sitting at the high table in the back corner, talking about life.

and i’m glad

there are times in life where circumstances change, and those you have really invested yourself in have to make a choice that will determine how much or how little you will be able to keep that influence.  through our ministry transition this summer, sandy and i saw many of those choices made… and some of it is hard to watch.  but i am thankful that this friend has chosen to keep me close.

so, we are sitting in taco bell, talking about a girl… again.  that’s the way it goes most of the time. and we talk about making good choices and how hard – almost impossible it can be to make good choices in a relationship, especially with someone who may not have the same desire to make good choices.

we talked about a couple of ways to address that issue, and how to commit yourself to making good choices.  we talked about committing that relationship to God, asking his protection and blessings on that relationship.  and we talked again about the seemingly impossible it is to say no to a girl who wants to do exactly what your body is begging you to allow it to do.

and so i have been spending a good bit of time in prayer for my friend.

i have and i will continue to check in with him and encourage him to be making wise choices.

_____

and this morning i woke up with a phrase on my mind.

it took me a minute to even recognize that it was there, but there it was.

spoken 3 times by the leading lady in a play written by an ancient king:

i adjure you,

by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases.

the words come first from her lips after her account of a time of embrace where she proclaims that she is lovesick.  within the scene she speaks of her fiance, strong, handsome, sweet to the taste.  she speaks of aphrodisiacs and of his intimate embrace.  yet, they are only engaged, and not married.  the love that has been aroused cannot yet be consummated.  and aching in her desire to fulfill her love for this man she declares, “i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

the second time she recites that phrase is after waking up in the middle of the night from a dream, “on my bed by night i sought him whom my soul loves; i sought him, but found him not.”   by the structure of the play it appears to be the night before the wedding that this dream episode occurs.  the love that the leading characters share has grown and their desire to fulfill the union of that love has come to fullness as well.  so much so that she awakes thinking that he will be there in the bed with her – her dream having become so believable.  and in her disappointment she repeats the words, ”i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

one final time she speaks those words… having consummated her love with her husband, having experienced the fullness of their love together, having found all that is available in God’s perfect plan of love between a man and a woman, she wishes the very same for others.  she begs them to wait – not only to wait to consummate their union, but to wait before even awakening the love and desire that comes as the relationship is built and love grows.  ”don’t rush!” she says.  ”i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

there is richness

depth

beauty

fulfillment

satisfaction

belonging

comfort

pride

there is love

but when placed out of order… when stirred up or awakened before it pleases – before it’s proper time…  those blessings fade.

and what you are left with is:

guilt

shame

addiction

feelings of worthlessness

abandonment

jealousy

unfulfilled hopes

unmet expectations

betrayal

.

.

.

all the while God has prepared and promised so much more.

i figured it out

i’ve never been a big sports fan.

shocking, right?

don’t get me wrong… i like to watch sports live.  i like to know enough to be engaged in a conversation when friends are discussing the latest sporting world news.  and i like to play almost every sport i have tried.  i am not good at many of them, but i enjoy the challenge and the activity.

but for the longest time i have had a huge aversion to following sports.

i have no favorite team.

i don’t pick favorite players.

i’m just not invested.

… not usually.

 

but beginning last year, and really gaining steam this year, i have begun to really grow into a pretty serious hogs fan.  i enjoy watching a team that i feel some connection to (living in arkansas, there aren’t many chances for that).  and i enjoy the camaraderie of watching games with friends who are also pulling for a win.  and i enjoy the thrill of a come back win… something the hogs gave us several of this year.

and so i found myself nearing the end of the season with the realization that i am a fan.  it took me a little by surprise.  but i liked it.

i could talk with colleagues around the table at lunch on mondays about the hogs, about the sec in general.  and i like that.

i would be proud for a couple of days after each win.

i even asked for a hogs long sleeve t-shirt for christmas!

 

still, i am a realist.  and i was the voice of reason among my circles, telling friends and family that though it was possible, it was highly unlikely that the hogs would win against lsu the day after thanksgiving this year.  i mean they are #1 for a reason.  their defense is tough as nails, and they play 4 full quarters of football.

i would say something like, “is it possible that the hogs could win?  yes… but it’s not going to happen.”

still friends were talking smack against lsu and posting comments all over their facebook and twitter accounts about how the hogs were going to wipe lsu out.  one local church even posted what i found to be a highly offensive and even unchristian dig on their sign against lsu, “there is good in most things… lsu is the exception”

and so game day came.

and i was stoked!

i knew it was a long shot, but after the way the hogs had played in their last few games, it really was possible.

the game opened and the hogs began to prove that it was indeed possible.  the hogs were the first to score, putting lsu down for only the third time in their season.  arkansas scored again making the score 14 – 0 and giving lsu their largest trailing margin of the season.

i was excited.

…

but

then the hogs fell apart.  dropped passes, missed catches, stupid penalties, and flat-out sloppy playing.

and i got angry.

i don’t mind my team losing, but to throw the game away on bad playing?  i can’t handle that.

…

and then i remembered why i am not a fan.

i remembered why i have such a hard time following a team.

it stems from the fact that i can’t do anything half way.  if i am in, i am all in.  and when i am a fan, i get completely emotionally invested in the success of the team.  i want to win.  i expect my team to show up every time and i expect every player to give it all and play with heart.  then, even if we lose, i can handle it.

and the truth of the matter is that there are times when the team is going to fall short of that standard.  poor morale, bad communication, disheartening game circumstances… there are alot of things that can cause a team to give a less than fully committed performance.

i need more dependability than that.

i can’t be that invested in something that unpredictable.

___

and i guess that is why i am such a fan… not of the hogs, but of God.

i know the future is secure in his hands.

i know that he shows up every time, and he always brings his a-game.

i know that with God, there is no opponent so big, or strong, or cunning so to gain the victory over me.

i know the final score.

i know the champion.

and i know that he has picked me to be on his team.

he has given me the gear for success.

he has put me into strict training.

and we will win the victory!

we will win!!

my ficus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i have a ficus in my office.

not a fake tree, but a real ficus.

the ficus in my office is special to me. it was a gift, given at a time when the strength, support, and love it symbolized was something that i deeply needed…

_____

in my mind, there are scenes seared so deeply and remembered with in almost supernaturally vivid detail – memories of moments that littered one of the darkest seasons of my life.

memories

the memories taunt me. how can i remember some moments as wholly and as tangibly as if i were still living them, yet have so many gaps between them that i cannot recall, even when those present try to remind me of times we shared together as i walked through those dark moments? how can weeks just be gone? and how is it possible that littered along the way are moments that i will never stop living?

_____

the ficus that watches out my window, standing in the corner of my office, is a reminder of some of those memories.  it is also a reminder of many memories

that were never made of life that was barely lived.  it is a reminder of steadfast love of those who could never understand, but who would give anything to bring comfort.  it is a reminder of those whose eyes watched me lean entirely on God and his promises while my life was consumed by loss, unknowing, and finally grief.

my ficus is my reminder of students who, by my grief, know what it looks like when there are no answers, no resolution, and no sense to be made.  my ficus is my reminder of young christians, seeing and knowing that anything can be endured when you are surrounded by the love and comfort of God and of his people.
i know that the blessings of our years together will continue to fill my life.and i am so glad that God placed them in my life, and me in theirs for a while.