i have tried
and tried
and tried

and I don’t suppose I ever will

and at some level, that has to be ok
perhaps one day it will be

but today it’s not
it’s just not

as i came near the door, i realized why we meet at 11:15, and not 11:30.

instead of walking right up to the counter and ordering, i stood in the open door where the line of around 40 hungry patrons met me.

as i stood and waited the line crawled toward the registers.  i heard the door open behind me, and 5 ladies came in.  they were laughing and using their outside voices as the walked right past me and joined their comrades in line.  i was unhappy.

less than 2 minutes later another young man walked in feeling no need to conclude his bluetooth conversation, also joining the crowd in line ahead of me—and i was not the last person in line.

there were about a half dozen of us being passed over.

when the door opened again and two more ladies came in and pushed their way to the middle of the line i pushed out a sigh.

i guess the guy standing directly in front of me heard it, because he turned around, looked at me, and kindly said, “would you like to go ahead of us?  i know that several of us just stepped in line in front of you.”

immediately i became very self aware.

i realized that the frustration of being passed over in line had caused me to become resentful and angry.  i deserved to be treated better than that.  i deserved a little respect or at least acknowledgement.

…and then i realized that i had missed my opportunity.

it was a small opportunity, but it was an opportunity none the less.

when i could have shown them the deference and kindness of Christ, i showed them the frustration and impatience of alex.

i smiled at the man who had offered to let me go ahead of them and i said, “no thank you.  i think i just need to learn a little patience.”

and i waited in line.

and i ordered my lunch.

and the world went on as it had every thursday before.

it’s kind of our spot

he’ll call me or message me on facebook and we’ll end up at taco bell, sitting at the high table in the back corner, talking about life.

and i’m glad

there are times in life where circumstances change, and those you have really invested yourself in have to make a choice that will determine how much or how little you will be able to keep that influence.  through our ministry transition this summer, sandy and i saw many of those choices made… and some of it is hard to watch.  but i am thankful that this friend has chosen to keep me close.

so, we are sitting in taco bell, talking about a girl… again.  that’s the way it goes most of the time. and we talk about making good choices and how hard – almost impossible it can be to make good choices in a relationship, especially with someone who may not have the same desire to make good choices.

we talked about a couple of ways to address that issue, and how to commit yourself to making good choices.  we talked about committing that relationship to God, asking his protection and blessings on that relationship.  and we talked again about the seemingly impossible it is to say no to a girl who wants to do exactly what your body is begging you to allow it to do.

and so i have been spending a good bit of time in prayer for my friend.

i have and i will continue to check in with him and encourage him to be making wise choices.

_____

and this morning i woke up with a phrase on my mind.

it took me a minute to even recognize that it was there, but there it was.

spoken 3 times by the leading lady in a play written by an ancient king:

i adjure you,

by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases.

the words come first from her lips after her account of a time of embrace where she proclaims that she is lovesick.  within the scene she speaks of her fiance, strong, handsome, sweet to the taste.  she speaks of aphrodisiacs and of his intimate embrace.  yet, they are only engaged, and not married.  the love that has been aroused cannot yet be consummated.  and aching in her desire to fulfill her love for this man she declares, “i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

the second time she recites that phrase is after waking up in the middle of the night from a dream, “on my bed by night i sought him whom my soul loves; i sought him, but found him not.”   by the structure of the play it appears to be the night before the wedding that this dream episode occurs.  the love that the leading characters share has grown and their desire to fulfill the union of that love has come to fullness as well.  so much so that she awakes thinking that he will be there in the bed with her – her dream having become so believable.  and in her disappointment she repeats the words, ”i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

one final time she speaks those words… having consummated her love with her husband, having experienced the fullness of their love together, having found all that is available in God’s perfect plan of love between a man and a woman, she wishes the very same for others.  she begs them to wait – not only to wait to consummate their union, but to wait before even awakening the love and desire that comes as the relationship is built and love grows.  ”don’t rush!” she says.  ”i adjure you, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

there is richness

depth

beauty

fulfillment

satisfaction

belonging

comfort

pride

there is love

but when placed out of order… when stirred up or awakened before it pleases – before it’s proper time…  those blessings fade.

and what you are left with is:

guilt

shame

addiction

feelings of worthlessness

abandonment

jealousy

unfulfilled hopes

unmet expectations

betrayal

.

.

.

all the while God has prepared and promised so much more.

shocking, right?

don’t get me wrong… i like to watch sports live.  i like to know enough to be engaged in a conversation when friends are discussing the latest sporting world news.  and i like to play almost every sport i have tried.  i am not good at many of them, but i enjoy the challenge and the activity.

but for the longest time i have had a huge aversion to following sports.

i have no favorite team.

i don’t pick favorite players.

i’m just not invested.

… not usually.

but beginning last year, and really gaining steam this year, i have begun to really grow into a pretty serious hogs fan.  i enjoy watching a team that i feel some connection to (living in arkansas, there aren’t many chances for that).  and i enjoy the camaraderie of watching games with friends who are also pulling for a win.  and i enjoy the thrill of a come back win… something the hogs gave us several of this year.

and so i found myself nearing the end of the season with the realization that i am a fan.  it took me a little by surprise.  but i liked it.

i could talk with colleagues around the table at lunch on mondays about the hogs, about the sec in general.  and i like that.

i would be proud for a couple of days after each win.

i even asked for a hogs long sleeve t-shirt for christmas!

still, i am a realist.  and i was the voice of reason among my circles, telling friends and family that though it was possible, it was highly unlikely that the hogs would win against lsu the day after thanksgiving this year.  i mean they are #1 for a reason.  their defense is tough as nails, and they play 4 full quarters of football.

i would say something like, “is it possible that the hogs could win?  yes… but it’s not going to happen.”

still friends were talking smack against lsu and posting comments all over their facebook and twitter accounts about how the hogs were going to wipe lsu out.  one local church even posted what i found to be a highly offensive and even unchristian dig on their sign against lsu, “there is good in most things… lsu is the exception”

and so game day came.

and i was stoked!

i knew it was a long shot, but after the way the hogs had played in their last few games, it really was possible.

the game opened and the hogs began to prove that it was indeed possible.  the hogs were the first to score, putting lsu down for only the third time in their season.  arkansas scored again making the score 14 – 0 and giving lsu their largest trailing margin of the season.

i was excited.

…

but

then the hogs fell apart.  dropped passes, missed catches, stupid penalties, and flat-out sloppy playing.

and i got angry.

i don’t mind my team losing, but to throw the game away on bad playing?  i can’t handle that.

…

and then i remembered why i am not a fan.

i remembered why i have such a hard time following a team.

it stems from the fact that i can’t do anything half way.  if i am in, i am all in.  and when i am a fan, i get completely emotionally invested in the success of the team.  i want to win.  i expect my team to show up every time and i expect every player to give it all and play with heart.  then, even if we lose, i can handle it.

and the truth of the matter is that there are times when the team is going to fall short of that standard.  poor morale, bad communication, disheartening game circumstances… there are alot of things that can cause a team to give a less than fully committed performance.

i need more dependability than that.

i can’t be that invested in something that unpredictable.

___

and i guess that is why i am such a fan… not of the hogs, but of God.

i know the future is secure in his hands.

i know that he shows up every time, and he always brings his a-game.

i know that with God, there is no opponent so big, or strong, or cunning so to gain the victory over me.

i know the final score.

i know the champion.

and i know that he has picked me to be on his team.

he has given me the gear for success.

he has put me into strict training.

and we will win the victory!

we will win!!

i have a ficus in my office.

not a fake tree, but a real ficus.

the ficus in my office is special to me. it was a gift, given at a time when the strength, support, and love it symbolized was something that i deeply needed…

_____

in my mind, there are scenes seared so deeply and remembered with in almost supernaturally vivid detail – memories of moments that littered one of the darkest seasons of my life.

it wasn’t anything big really

but it doesn’t need to be

.

but before i get there, let me ask you to walk down a path with me…

.

how many cars do you pass on the road any given day as you drive or ride in to work, school, volunteer opportunities?

how many digital screens do your eyes fall on in any given day? tvs, cell phones, electronic billboards, computer screens, … and the list just goes on.

how many voices call out for your attention as you go about your daily routine? children, spouse, co-workers, cashiers, friends, telemarketers, radio personalities, … and the list just goes on.

how many activities visit your family’s monthly calendar, weekly schedule daily routine? ball games, grocery runs, practices, errands, outings, last-minute darts here and there, … and the list… you get the picture.

and with all of life swirling all around us and inside our heads, with all of the pressures and concerns that weigh us down – a new diagnosis, and ongoing treatment, the news of loss, the threat of layoffs or early retirement, betrayal, unfulfilled expectation, our failure to meet others’ expectations, … it can be all together overwhelming.

and we carry those mountains of emotional, physical, social, mental, and even religious stress with us everywhere we go.

our lives are filled with the baggage of the past and the demands of the future.

.

it is very rare that we are able to just sit and be present.

it is uncommon for us to be able to have a conversation with no distractions – to be able to lay aside every external demand and every internal anxiety – to look another soul in the eyes and listen.

and for some of us it is even more difficult… perhaps it even seems impossible… that we could come into the presence of God, and just be.

to come into the presence of God and not have to have something to say, or something to read, or something to sing… nothing to give, nothing to expect in receiving… just to be in the presence of our infinite and eternal Creator – our Father.

to be present.

.

.

knowing ourselves, and knowing the distractions that try to come into the presence of God on our coat tails, only to drag our attention from him… knowing that, we created our presence place.

and then we shared it.

and so now, when you come to worship with us at sylvan hills, you will find our presence place.

as you come into the doors of our worship center you will see a quiet table in the corner in front of you and to the right.

on it you will find a box.  and beside it you will find note cards and pens.  they are provided so that you can sit for a moment of centering, identify the distractions that have come with you into this place of worship that would keep you from being fully present as we worship our God.

having identified those distractions, the cards are there so that you can write down your would be distractions.  this does two things: first, it helps us recognize that these distractions are real.  and secondly, it helps us to begin putting them out of our focus.

the next step is to put the card into the box on the table… to put the distraction fat away from us, in a place where it must stay as we then proceed to enter into our place of worship.

it may sound a bit elementary at first, and it may feel a bit awkward in the beginning… but it works.

on that table you will also find a frame which holds a piece of paper with these words:

welcome to the presence place

   this is a safe place.  this is a place of peace and of rest.  this is a place that is designed for you to be able to come and put aside anything that would try and get in the way of your ability to be fully present with God.

   as we go through life there are so many demands and expectations that pull at our attentions.  it can be very hard to clear our minds and find peace. 

   our calendars are filled with our work commitments, our children’s school and extra curricular activities, errands we need to run, a spouse who needs a few minutes of quality time… in the middle of all of that, we struggle to find rest.

   our hearts are heavy with the reality of sin in our world, in our friends, in our families, and in our own lives.  and so often  embarrassment and shame cripple the soul.  sometimes we even come to the place of worship, knowing that we need healing and belonging, but fear and feelings of failure keep us from really drawing near to God in the confession that leads us to freedom and forgiveness.

   our hearts are heavy with losses: the loss of a job, the loss of a friendship, the loss of a loved one, the loss of health.  and our hearts are heavy with each little reminder of those losses.  our grief simply will not be comforted.  and we are the only one who knows.

   there are so many distractions that the adversary will use to keep our hearts from being fully present and engaged as we worship our Father. 

   this is the place to lay them down.  this is the place to acknowledge the distractions and then put them away, so that we can be fully present with God and with each other.

this is our presence place

.

.

it is our prayer that it will become yours too.

it is a short book by henri nouwen, 115 pages.  if you have been keeping track, you know that henri nouwen is one (of several) author i love to read.  other titles of his that i have read and recommend include: life of the beloved, the only necessary thing, the wounded healer, the return of the prodigal son, turn my mourning into dancing, and (my personal favorite) the way of the heart.

but i didn’t sit down this morning to give you that list, or to discuss nouwen, or even to talk about lifesigns.

what i found thought-provoking this morning were two things.  first, the fact that i somehow have piled up enough books that i could go over a year (including packing up my office, unpacking it, and organizing my books) without knowing that i had not returned my friend’s book.  and secondly, the way i read my friend’s book.

so for firsts…  i just don’t understand how i could have missed that book so many times.  i am just glad that i finally discovered that i still have it and can return my friend’s book.

the thing that has kept me thinking is the book itself, and how i read it.  and i mean to be very specific – it is the book, the physical paper and ink and pencil scratches that are curious to me.

i read this book in a way that i have read none other.

i read it with post-its.

i know.

weird.

but let’s remember who is writing this blog… then it might not seem quite as weird.  or it may.

so here is the story:  we were at lunch with a group of friends one day when friend “h” handed a book to friend “c” and the two of them entered into a conversation about the book and its author.  i am a lover of books and i had recently discovered my appreciation for the writings of henri nouwen.  (coincidentally, i had also recently discovered that he died in the 1990s and i would never have a chance to hear him speak in person… so i was disappointed.)

friend “h” had borrowed the book from friend “c” and was returning it.  i asked my friend if i could borrow it sometime and he handed it to me.  i was expecting to borrow at some time in the near future, but i was willing to walk away with it that day and hold on to it until i could read it, as i was already in the middle of another book and didn’t want to start another until i had finished the first.

i laid the book on my desk, and it sat there for a couple of weeks.  then one friday i stuck it in my satchel and brought it home with me for the weekend.  as i began to read i noticed something… the book had been read by at least 3 individuals before me.  how did i know that?  easy: there were markings throughout the book that were distinct.  there were words and phrases underlined in black ink, others in blue ink, purple ink, and a set in pencil.  the markings all ran concurrently, so it was obvious that the readers were not the same.  what’s more is that there were a few places where a couple of the readers were compelled to write in the margins and include numerals in a couple of lists that nouwen authored.  all together they communicated a community of reading that had gone on with this little book.

i discovered quickly that i was going to have to acquire a copy of this book for myself and so i did not add to the markings in the book, but rather grabbed a stack of post-it notes that i would put on a page when i wanted to highlight or remember something.  the intent was to transfer them all to my copy of the book when i obtained one.  and so i read with my post-its.  31.  i read it with 31 post-its.

i learned with that book, that i absolutely love to read other people’s books.  i love to see what portion of text stood out demanding their attention.  i love to see the jots in the margins.  perhaps that is the part of me that craves communal experience even when i am sitting alone in a quiet place with a good book.

since then i have continued to loan out my books.  but i have yet to have a single book return to me with a friend’s writing within the pages.  perhaps it has to do with our ideas of respecting other’s property.  perhaps something else.  all i know is that i was blessed by borrowing my friend’s copy of this book.  perhaps he will let you borrow it too sometime.

and waited

i waited for something new

or ancient

the silence was hushed away

by something

anything

everything

the rustling of fallen leaves

the scamper of tiny feet

yet silence

the creaking of swaying pines

leaning, yielding to the wind

still silence

hues of orange, gold, and red

eyes fill with wonder and awe

and silence

skin warms, glows, illuminates

soft in the sun’s autumn rays

oh, silence

not silence

not alone

but beauty found by silence

sitting today in silence

and waiting

God met me there today

.

as i read, the thing that struck me very deeply is the reality of poverty.  and not only the poverty of those in another country who go days without food, months without adequate clothing, and years without shelter from the elements.  that poverty is very real, and it is absolutely tragic.  and we must do what we can to help heal those injuries and injustices.

but poverty is so much broader than that picture.  yet most of us never realize the poverty of our own lives.

.

just as devastating as material poverty are the poverties of:

. loneliness

. . addiction

. . . betrayal

. . . . deceit

. . . . . abuse

. . . . . . ignorance

. . . . . . . self-reliance

. . . . . . . . unrealistic expectations

. . . . . . . . . entrenched sinful behavior

…and the list never ends.

.

poverty doesn’t pick favorites.

there is no race, religion, occupation, or family immune to the tragedy of poverty.  there is only an almighty God whose love is unfailing and whose children must be channels of his riches and blessing, releasing those who are imprisoned by poverty.

.

what is your poverty?

how can the richness of God fill completely, and heal your life of that poverty?

it was good.

i hadn’t had the opportunity to just sit and visit with this friend in quite a while, and this is a friend that i really enjoy spending pseudo-quiet time with.

there are some people who facilitate the calm and quiet of true presence, simply by being there.

with this friend there is no rush to get a thought in before the moment passes

when i am with this friend i never feel the need to interrupt or interject

there is no feeling of urgency at all when i am chatting with this friend

.

.

and that is such a blessing

.

apart from very intentional preparation and deliberate focus, my life is seldom a place of calm and of rest.  everything i do, i do efficiently and quickly, all the while thinking of the next thing i will do.

when i am driving, i am constantly re-assessing the road, the traffic, the radio, the windows, the mirrors, the car behind me, the truck ahead of me, and the bump that i can avoid by smoothly edging the car 4 inches to the left… and then back into my groove.

when i am grocery shopping, i am running a dozen calculations in my head with every step: what on my list is on aisle 8… aisle 7…? where will i place the green beans in my cart and how does that impact the placement of the gallon of milk i will pick up in 6 isles? if i don’t slow down can i make it past the peanut butter before the lady pushing that cart decides to stop and think about things for 3 minutes – blocking my path? can i make it through that gap without knocking the macaroni off the shelf? where do i find lime juice?  why can i never remember to pick up zip lock bags?  how many items do i have? which line is moving the fastest?       it never ends!

when i am mowing the yard, painting a canvas, writing a blog, cooking dinner for friends, taking sandy out on a date, speaking to 4 hundred people, speaking with 4 people… i cannot escape this incessant business of my mind.

i mean, there are moments of respite, and i have become better at focusing and spending meditative time with God, but even then my mind begins thinking about his nature, his promises, his passionate love for us, and his call for us to join him… and before i know it, my mind is just as frenetic and anxious as it was before i sat to just be with God – to come into the presence of God and just be.

and so i am thankful to God for friends like mine who, simply by their presence, can calm and bring a stillness to the time we spend together.

dear friend,

thank you

.

.

Father,

thank you for my friend.

amen